Thanksgiving 2011

It is important to remember what the holiday season is all about. In class I had my students share what they were thankful for. When the question was turned on me I gave the generic answer of "my family". However, if I thought that they actually were actually interested in my schpeal I could have certainly elaborated. I have so many things to be thankful for and most, if not all, somehow seem to relate right back to my son. I ask myself daily if it's normal for me to love someone as much as I love my child. 

I am most thankful....
That on August 19, 2010 I checked my blood pressure and listened when my mom advised me to email the doctor. 

I was able to receive both steroid shots before I had to be induced. 

That on August 21, 2010 I delivered a small but healthy baby boy who only needed to be on CPAP for a few hours after birth. 

That on October 2, 2010 I was finally able to bring the most beautiful baby boy home. 

Every day that I look into that handsome face and feel loved. 

Happy Thanksgiving! 

Prematurity Awareness Day

It's only right that I had a total reawakening during the month of November which is a month dedicated to raising the awareness of the seriousness of prematurity. I found myself engrossed with all things surrounding November 17, 2011, Prematurity Awareness Day. I needed to be surrounded by women that understood what it meant to be ashamed or guarded about your birth story. I needed to be surrounded by women that knew why a preemie mom sometimes cries for what appears to others as no reason. I just needed a virtual hug, but what I received was so much better. I had been a part of a preemie group of fb for some time but during November I started frequenting the page more often. From that group I had gained a few friends on fb and one of those friends happened to post something about what it means to be a preemie mom. I found myself nodding and relating to everything that was written in that status.
 It was like that status opened something inside of me that was just waiting to spill out. I began writing things that I couldn't verbalize to anyone around me because it wasn't part of their experience. From there I created a list of what I felt November 17, 2011 was about. 

Prematurity Awareness Day Is..

For any parent who has ever had to stand next to an incubator watching their new arrival hooked up to machines designed to complete functions that their frail body was unable to handle. 
For any mother who has ever cried at the mere sight of a big round pregnant belly robbed from her. 
Any mother who has had to refrain herself from choking the random stranger complaining about being too pregnant and uncomfortable. 
For any parent who's heart has stopped beating at the sound of a phone ringing in the middle of the night.

 Any parent who has ever counted cc's and grams as if they were moving weight on the neighborhood street corner.
For any parent who has ever watched another parent yell at their child for a small infraction only to wish that they would realize how lucky they are to have their child there to yell at. 
 For any parent who has 3 dates etched in their memory; the day your child was born, their due date, and the day they came home.
 Any parent who carries a gallon of hand sanitizer and face masks in their diaper bag.

 For any parent who has ever been asked their child's age and then given the side eye for their answer.
 Any parent that has ever been asked if their kid is doing xyz and then given the look of pity because they weren't.
For any parent who has celebrated that their child is finally on the growth charts, even if they are only in the 2nd percentile.
Any parent who has gone into the nursery and wept until their head hurt at the sight of an empty crib waiting for a baby that may not come home for days, weeks, or even months. 
For any parent who understands that Preemie is secretly code for God's grace and mercy. 

But most importantly, for any parent who has ever heard, "I'm sorry but it was just too early. We tried everything we could."
 Wear purple on Thursday in support of any parent who bears the weight of having a Preemie because although our children may be "on track" we will never forget where they started from.

If you suffer, thank God! -- it is a sure sign that you are alive. --Elbert Hubbard 

The not so great release

The day that a new mom is released from the hospital should be one of the happiest moments of her life, but for me I felt nothing. I felt neither happy nor nervous not even a little sad. I was completely numb. Maybe I was drugged during my hospital stay and they removed my cerebral cortex because for all I know I was unconscious or even worse, dead.

I remember stopping by the NICU to kiss my little love goodbye but I don't think that I realized that meant he wouldn't somehow mysteriously be waiting for me at home. As I reflect back now I wonder should I have been crying as I walked out those hospital doors? Just as I am not a fan of public nakedness I am not a fan of public crying. Of course I cried in the hospital, but as I waked out onto the mean streets of New York I put on my tough facade and went about my business.

One thing that I do remember clearly is going to the Babies R Us to get a pump and nearly getting into a fist fight with the cashier. Of all the times that fraud protection was activated on my credit card this had to be the worst possible time. When the cashier told me that my card had been denied I heard, "Screw you and that small baby of yours". I now know that it wasn't the cashier who was trying to keep me from feeding my 2 pound baby, but in the moment it was any and everybody's fault. I mean wasn't there some code that she could type in to vouch for me not being some low life credit card thief? For all I knew I looked the part, but I mean seriously, who breaks out of a hospital and tries to buy a breast pump with a stolen credit card? Maybe I should have bought my pump on the black market.

To the Birthday Boy

To Baby Nick,

I cant believe that its been a year already. It seems like just yesterday that i first felt you move inside my belly and now i feel you move my heart every day. You are the best gift that i could have never even begun to imagine. I could sit and go on and on about how wonderful you are and how complete you make me but i will save that monolouge for your wedding day.
You may not always fit in my lap but you will always fit in my heart.

Love Eternally,
Mommy

Let's get a room

So there I am in my stylish hospital gown and aqua Crocs all hooked up to the monitors when one of the doctors from my Ob's office stops by. I'm thinking, "Great she's coming to set up some follow up appointments and I get to go home and relax." Time for some ice cream! Not quite, she was coming to tell me that I had to stay over night to continue the monitoring. Not what I had expected but I could make it work as long as either my SO or my mother could stay in the room and keep me company. Well they could keep me company alright but not quite in my own room as I had expected not even in a shared room with another unsuspecting pregnant woman. Nope I had to get hooked up in the triage area while I waited on a room to become available. If you're unfamiliar with what the triage of labor and delivery is like let me just tell you that it's akin to what pregnancy purgatory must be like. Not quite able to go home but not able to get settled into a room either.

The worst part of this in between state was the bed pans. I could take the no privacy. I could take the not having a TV. I could even manage to deal with the constant stream of happy new mothers, babies, and well wishers. But I could NOT deal with not having a toilet. The closest toilet was right around the corner, but due to my "condition" I wasn't allowed to leave my bed. Well I wasn't aware that I had contracted a condition during my wait to be seen. But wait, isn't condition the term that they use for people that are about to die of a mysterious aliment? If I was about to die the least that they could do was let me take my last piss in private. Now I'm no Miss Priss or anything but I do like to keep what happens in the bathroom private. I've never been the type to skinny dip, streak, or do other naked things in front of large groups of people. And to me a large group in this context is more than one. I have, on occasion, peed in front of a few girlfriends but only with the assistance of my main men Jose or Senor Patron, even then I made sure to twist and turn in order to maintain some sense of modesty.

I was able to hold onto my modesty in this situation for about half a second before I HAD to go. As I hoisted my swollen pregnant body up onto that bed pan I thought, "could it get any better than this?" Oh boy did it get better. Each time that I had to complete that acrobatic feat it got better and better as my gown got looser and looser. Yes I was super sexy.

Just do it

So I was all gung ho to start this blog and it's been months, 3 exactly, since I've posted anything. My original plan was to share the hilarious stories of me squeezing these boobs of mine and now that phase of my life is almost over (thank God). So I figured there's no time like the present. The result will probably not be as polished as I had hoped, but let's face it I don't even have any readers so who cares. This is mainly my form of venting/entertaining myself. I apologize in advance to anyone who stumbles across this blog. It will be a random mumbling of whatever's running through my head at the moment.

Enjoy!

An Unforseen Beginning

Giving birth to my son was a total surprise. Not in an "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" type of way, but still unexpected nonetheless. It was the height of summer and I was a huge almost 7 months pregnant. Despite the heat I decided to venture out to the local street fair in search of food. I've always been the type to forage for a good nosh and pregnancy just made it worse because I had to have it right then and there and I would do whatever it took to satiate my hunger. Take for example the time that I popped a uey across 4 lanes of traffic to follow the ice cream truck. Or maybe the time that I scavaged the streets of Manhattan looking for a funnel cake that I thought I smelled in the air. Ok enough about food and back to how I ended up unexpectedly giving birth to my beautiful baby boy.

After going to the street fair my feet were a little swollen but I took that to be on account of the heat, walking, and salty street food. I decided to take it easy and lounge in my air conditioned living room with my feet propped up. After a while I decided to take my blood pressure just to be on the safe side. 149/91. I didn't really know what that meant since I had never had a problem with my blood pressure before, however my mother told me that it was high and that I should let my doctor know. I hate calling anyone on the phone so I decided to send her an email since she always gets back to me very quickly and I didn't really feel bad or anything.

While I waited for her reply I decided that I needed a little snack and some water to bring my pressure down. Eventually my doctor replied and told me that I should go down to labor and delivery for monitoring. Being an avid lurker on The Bump I knew that I should pack some snacks, my phone charger, and magazines because I could be sitting around for a long time before they let me go home.
Little did I know, I wouldn't be going home any time soon.