The day that a new mom is released from the hospital should be one of the happiest moments of her life, but for me I felt nothing. I felt neither happy nor nervous not even a little sad. I was completely numb. Maybe I was drugged during my hospital stay and they removed my cerebral cortex because for all I know I was unconscious or even worse, dead.
I remember stopping by the NICU to kiss my little love goodbye but I don't think that I realized that meant he wouldn't somehow mysteriously be waiting for me at home. As I reflect back now I wonder should I have been crying as I walked out those hospital doors? Just as I am not a fan of public nakedness I am not a fan of public crying. Of course I cried in the hospital, but as I waked out onto the mean streets of New York I put on my tough facade and went about my business.
One thing that I do remember clearly is going to the Babies R Us to get a pump and nearly getting into a fist fight with the cashier. Of all the times that fraud protection was activated on my credit card this had to be the worst possible time. When the cashier told me that my card had been denied I heard, "Screw you and that small baby of yours". I now know that it wasn't the cashier who was trying to keep me from feeding my 2 pound baby, but in the moment it was any and everybody's fault. I mean wasn't there some code that she could type in to vouch for me not being some low life credit card thief? For all I knew I looked the part, but I mean seriously, who breaks out of a hospital and tries to buy a breast pump with a stolen credit card? Maybe I should have bought my pump on the black market.
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