The not so great release

The day that a new mom is released from the hospital should be one of the happiest moments of her life, but for me I felt nothing. I felt neither happy nor nervous not even a little sad. I was completely numb. Maybe I was drugged during my hospital stay and they removed my cerebral cortex because for all I know I was unconscious or even worse, dead.

I remember stopping by the NICU to kiss my little love goodbye but I don't think that I realized that meant he wouldn't somehow mysteriously be waiting for me at home. As I reflect back now I wonder should I have been crying as I walked out those hospital doors? Just as I am not a fan of public nakedness I am not a fan of public crying. Of course I cried in the hospital, but as I waked out onto the mean streets of New York I put on my tough facade and went about my business.

One thing that I do remember clearly is going to the Babies R Us to get a pump and nearly getting into a fist fight with the cashier. Of all the times that fraud protection was activated on my credit card this had to be the worst possible time. When the cashier told me that my card had been denied I heard, "Screw you and that small baby of yours". I now know that it wasn't the cashier who was trying to keep me from feeding my 2 pound baby, but in the moment it was any and everybody's fault. I mean wasn't there some code that she could type in to vouch for me not being some low life credit card thief? For all I knew I looked the part, but I mean seriously, who breaks out of a hospital and tries to buy a breast pump with a stolen credit card? Maybe I should have bought my pump on the black market.

To the Birthday Boy

To Baby Nick,

I cant believe that its been a year already. It seems like just yesterday that i first felt you move inside my belly and now i feel you move my heart every day. You are the best gift that i could have never even begun to imagine. I could sit and go on and on about how wonderful you are and how complete you make me but i will save that monolouge for your wedding day.
You may not always fit in my lap but you will always fit in my heart.

Love Eternally,
Mommy

Let's get a room

So there I am in my stylish hospital gown and aqua Crocs all hooked up to the monitors when one of the doctors from my Ob's office stops by. I'm thinking, "Great she's coming to set up some follow up appointments and I get to go home and relax." Time for some ice cream! Not quite, she was coming to tell me that I had to stay over night to continue the monitoring. Not what I had expected but I could make it work as long as either my SO or my mother could stay in the room and keep me company. Well they could keep me company alright but not quite in my own room as I had expected not even in a shared room with another unsuspecting pregnant woman. Nope I had to get hooked up in the triage area while I waited on a room to become available. If you're unfamiliar with what the triage of labor and delivery is like let me just tell you that it's akin to what pregnancy purgatory must be like. Not quite able to go home but not able to get settled into a room either.

The worst part of this in between state was the bed pans. I could take the no privacy. I could take the not having a TV. I could even manage to deal with the constant stream of happy new mothers, babies, and well wishers. But I could NOT deal with not having a toilet. The closest toilet was right around the corner, but due to my "condition" I wasn't allowed to leave my bed. Well I wasn't aware that I had contracted a condition during my wait to be seen. But wait, isn't condition the term that they use for people that are about to die of a mysterious aliment? If I was about to die the least that they could do was let me take my last piss in private. Now I'm no Miss Priss or anything but I do like to keep what happens in the bathroom private. I've never been the type to skinny dip, streak, or do other naked things in front of large groups of people. And to me a large group in this context is more than one. I have, on occasion, peed in front of a few girlfriends but only with the assistance of my main men Jose or Senor Patron, even then I made sure to twist and turn in order to maintain some sense of modesty.

I was able to hold onto my modesty in this situation for about half a second before I HAD to go. As I hoisted my swollen pregnant body up onto that bed pan I thought, "could it get any better than this?" Oh boy did it get better. Each time that I had to complete that acrobatic feat it got better and better as my gown got looser and looser. Yes I was super sexy.

Just do it

So I was all gung ho to start this blog and it's been months, 3 exactly, since I've posted anything. My original plan was to share the hilarious stories of me squeezing these boobs of mine and now that phase of my life is almost over (thank God). So I figured there's no time like the present. The result will probably not be as polished as I had hoped, but let's face it I don't even have any readers so who cares. This is mainly my form of venting/entertaining myself. I apologize in advance to anyone who stumbles across this blog. It will be a random mumbling of whatever's running through my head at the moment.

Enjoy!